Now I'm Not Alone
by TheCompanion93
Summary: Hi. I'm Barry Allen, otherwise known as the Flash. Life has never been easy and now that I'm a hero, things have gotten even more complicated. I thought I had to deal with it all on my own... But now... Well maybe I was wrong.
1. Chapter 1

Hey guys.

This is my first fan-fic that I have ever posted for others to read. So please keep that in mind while reading this. I did my best to proof read, before posting, but if you see anything that needs editing, please let me know. New eyes catch what the writer doesn't always see. :-D Constructive criticism is always welcome.

Hope you all enjoy.

Also... I DO NOT own The Flash! The show and its characters all belong to DC and all that... so yeah... Disclaimer... YAY!

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Now I'm Not Alone…

It wasn't like I'm not thankful for the gift that I was given… I am! I've always felt the need to help people and this has finally given me the chance to do that, but at what cost? I still haven't figured that out. Every time that I feel like I've finally have it figured out, gotten on an even keel, something else comes along and proves me wrong…

I was never popular by any means. In fact I only had one friend, Iris West, my entire childhood, especially after what happened to my mother when I was eleven. Then I was just the crazy kid, the one who was delusional, who couldn't accept what had happened. Even though I know the truth. I know! But I thought was finally beginning to put things in the past. I have new friends, GREAT friends, and it began not to hurt so much. I wasn't alone… But now… It.. no… HE - is back and with it, he has taken away all the progress that I had made. I knew that I would never be normal, but now… now, it truly shows me how different and alone I truly am… Oliver (AKA the Arrow), was right… I can never have what I truly want. I could watch, but not touch. It would put all that I hold dear in danger. My adopted family, that has grown so much since I have become the Flash, is still so fragile…

I think they know, that something is wrong. How could they not? My mother's killer is back, and he knows who I am, toying with me till he decides to finish me off, just like he did her… But as much as they know… They could never understand. I would never wish the horrors I have been through on anyone. But, it would be a comfort to have at least one person that got it. ALL of it… The fear, this grief that hits me so hard that sometimes makes it hard to breath, and most of all this overwhelming sense of being alone. Its not so bad when I am with Cisco, Caitlin, Dr. Wells, and Joe…

Unfortunately, I can't be with one of them all the time. I have to go home sometimes, not even as the Flash, can I out run emotions. The ones I fight so hard to conceal and yet feel like everyone can see. And… even if I could out run the feelings coursing through me, I can't run forever. So now I sit in my small, crummy apartment alone and I am terrified.. I can't breath. I feel like walls are slowly in encroaching in on me, eventually going to crush me as they fall in. I try to keep my breathing steady. Focus on the small TV softly playing commercials in the corner of the room, as I sit on the sofa knees pulled up to my chest rocking back and forth as the thunder rumbles out the beginning of a storm that had been threatening to sweep through the city all afternoon.. Of course it would wait till I was alone to hit, forcing me to remember the lightening that started it all, all over again.. I had yet to admit it to anyone, that I could still remember that first wall of pain that hit me before I had blacked out. Now its like every time there is a thunderstorm my body is preparing itself for another bolt to strike down on me.

The storm is only getting worse and the panic is growing with it. All I wanted to do was race down to Joe's or even S.T.A.R. Labs, but one look at the clock told me that it wasn't an option, everyone has gone home and would be in bed, and what would I even tell them? I couldn't find it in me to come up with a good cover story. The storm was now shaking my windows at it's sheer force, yellow lightning shot through the night sky, forcing my mind back to the night my mother was killed. The man in yellow, flashed before my eyes, causing my whole body to tense and jump as the next roar of thunder shaking the room. Sorrow ripped through me as the loss felt so fresh, as the night it first happened, add on the fact that my father was taken from me that same night and to this day sat wrongfully convicted.

A sob escaped from my chest and tears began to leak from the corner of my eyes, despite my best efforts. Panic got the better of me as I thought of the Reverse Flash finding me like this. Him seeing me like this, pathetic and broken, no suite to hide behind when facing him. Oh yes.. I would take him down.. I don't know how yet. But I will get him from what he did to my mother and father. It was more of him finding me right now, him knowing how weak I feel right now, and never knowing when he is going to show up was fraying my nerves.

A shuffling sound and a loud thud jerked me out of my thoughts with a pathetic scream, half expecting HIM to be standing behind me, as I jump to my feet looking around wildly looking for the sound. "BARRY?!" came startled voice through the front door, as if flew open and Caitlin came flying in, a look of concern on her face. I suddenly realize that I am no longer standing in front of my sofa, but now completely across the room my back against the wall, my chest heaving in terror. "Are you OK? I heard you scream. What's wrong?" she asked in a rush, as she came closer and looked over my body looking for injures. It's in that moment that I remember that I wasn't wearing a shirt, leaving me feel rather vulnerable. I knew I had to look as white as a ghost as I tried to compose myself, unfortunately I was hyperventilating at the speed of my alter-ego at that point.

"Barry! What is wrong? What happened?" Caitlin asked again looking extremely concerned, carefully reaching out and touching my arm trying to calm me. "W-what ar-are you d-doing here?" I finally managed out, quickly moving out of her reach to hide the shivers running through my body like I had just come out of a blizzard. "I was worried about you. You haven't been yourself lately and I'm tired of pretending like I haven't noticed. Now what is going on?" she demanded again taking a step closer. For something to do to distract myself, I look around quickly for my shirt that I had discarded before the storm had hit. Still trying to get my breathing under control, I take a moment to walk over to the space on the floor that my shirt laid and quickly put it on, before turning to look at her again, still trying to figure out what to do.

"I'm fine…," I finally managed out, "I just must have fallen asleep on the sofa and had a weird dream. Your knocking must have startled me awake.. That's all.." Moving farther away, feeling guilty for lying to her, but I didn't want to worry her. Caitlin had been through so much lately. Having just found Ronnie was still alive, managing to save him, just to have him brake things off because it was to complicated for him. She was heart broken, I didn't want to add to her stress. "Cut the crap, Barry…" She snapped as she took her rain coat off and dropped it on the floor next to her purse. "I'm not going anywhere till you tell me what is going on."

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The second half is coming soon!

Please feel free to let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

Now I Am Not Alone…

Chapter 2

"Cut the crap, Barry! I'm not going anywhere till you tell me what is going on." I stared down my friend, determined not to let him continue on this way, or show the blush threating to pool in my cheeks as I found myself staring at my friend's bare chest.

Barry had been acting strange for a few weeks now. The normally happy, positive, and always had something cheeky to say to make me smile, person was becoming more and more distant with each dangerous meta-human we faced. Which was confusing, because as much as he seemed to be separating himself, he seemed to want the closeness that our little team shared with each other. Once, I used to be the last one leaving S.T.A.R. Labs, now it was Barry. It wasn't just at the lab either, he was always pulling late nights if not all-nighters at the station. He was running on empty most days anymore. As his unofficial doctor, I was concerned. As his friend…. I was far beyond worried. Which is how I ended up here, at Barry's apartment, at 11 o'clock at night during a horrendous thunderstorm.

I know some of his recent behavior changes had to do with the Reverse Flash, his mother's killer.—At first I let it go, everyone did, we knew that this had to be extremely hard him. We all knew what it meant for him to finally have the ability to catch his mother's killer after all this time. To be able to finally free his father after years of living under a wrongful conviction. It had become his life, the thing that had driven him for so long. Barry lived a life of terror because of this man, yet he only seemed to become stronger because of it all. Which is why it was hard to believe that this terrified man standing in front of me was the same person, that just a few weeks ago, was running around at top speed and laughing in the sight of danger.

Barry stopped his fidgeting and looked at me wide-eyed, "N-no". The word seemed to slip out of his mouth so quickly that it seemed to surprise him. "Why?" I asked feeling my frown deepen. "I-.. It's…" He stumbled over himself as the sound of lighting cracked followed by the loud boom of the thunder, making the slight blush in Barry's cheeks that had gathered there, quickly disappear. Sweat was forming on his brow as he licked his dry lips. His hand went to his chest, where the lightening had struck him over a year ago, when he jumped at the sound. His eyes were wide with fright looking out the window, as if expecting for something or someone to be out there waiting to grab him.

"Barry, if you're worried about the Reverse Flash, we will catch him.", I whispered not to startle him farther. He looked back at me liked a scared little boy and he shook his head no again. "You told me that you would always be there for me Barry. Why won't you let me be there for you?", I asked trying a different approach, keeping my voice as soothing as possible. I had never seen Barry like this, I knew things troubled him, he had gone through so much for him not to. It was like he had the full weight of the world on his shoulders and it was crushing him. Slowly moving closer again, I could practically see the wheels turning in his head. "I- I can't… I don't-…" he fumbled some more, tears threatening to escape as another crack and boom sounded off making his window shake. "Barry, please?" I begged, wanting desperately to help him, like he did for me. He always cared so deeply for everyone he met. When I did nothing more than give him the cold shoulder, he wouldn't let that stop him from just being there.

Barry had been there for me after Ronnie left again. He helped me pick the pieces of my shattered heart, just by being there. He didn't ask me to talk about it, though he made it perfectly clear that he would listen if I had ever wanted to. He understood what it felt like to be rejected by the one he loved. We grieved together and it brought us closer. I had found myself telling him things that I hadn't felt able to talk about with anyone else and he felt the same. It changed things between us… For the better.

What had really brought things to a head for me was earlier this evening when I was leaving work. He was walking me to my car, as was the routine now, and he kept looking up at the sky anxiously. He had looked so lost when I got into my car and was about to drive away, so I offered him a ride home. Normally, he wouldn't have accepted the offer, it was quicker for him to just run. This time, however, he accepted my offer with a look of relief on his face, but it was quickly covered by the same look I used so often, blank… That wasn't Barry. Not my Barry anyway. That's how I knew something was definitely wrong. He tried not to let me notice, but he got fidgety once it started to rain and the wind picked up. The first crack of thunder and lightning struck as he was stepping out of my car and walk into his apartment building. He about jumped out of his skin at the sound. He had smiled a smile that wasn't him, and thanked me for the ride. He then quickly walked away before I could say anything. So I drove home more worried about him then I had been for the past few weeks.

I had gotten home several minutes later. I began absentmindedly going through my routine of changing into my comfy sweats and a baggy shirt, pouring myself a glass of wine, before turning on the TV for background noise. I took my wine and sat next to the window to watch the storm. I had always loved watching the storms and how lightening would light up the sky, losing myself in it. It had been a few weeks since the last real storm in Central City. Lightning shot through the sky, bright and beautiful, the clouds illuminating as they released all that power. The lighting, reminding me of Barry, I puzzled over him again. As lighting struck somewhere outside again, the yellow light reflecting off my window pulled my thoughts to the Reverse Flash and the drastic changes in Barry. The fear that flashed in his eyes today, whenever the mad man was brought up, and then tonight when the thunder rumbled, that he tried to hide. He looked so lost and alone… Before I knew what I was doing, I had slammed my glass down on the table beside me, thrown on the closest pair of shoes by the door, and had totally ignored the TV that was still on when I pulled my door shut and locked it behind me, and was standing in front of Barry's apartment door ready to nock. Now I'm really thankful that he gave his spare key. His screaming was what had caused me to come flying into his apartment like a crazed person.

We stared at each other, another crack of thunder followed by the flash of lightning, the lights threatening to go out as something down the grid line was probably struck. Barry let out a strangled sob as the lights continued to flicker. A lone tear ran down his cheek as he continued to clutch at his chest. It was at that moment when it all made sense, he remembered that night. We had never asked him. We all just assumed that he couldn't remember the moment he was struck because he never said anything. Even if it was before the return of the Reverse Flash, having his mother's killer back would only make any of his emotional upsets worse. Without waiting to gage what his reaction at that moment would be, I quickly wrapped my arms around him, pulling him into a hug. As if that was the straw that broke the camel's back, the dams broke and Barry let out another sob that was quickly followed by many more. His arms wrapping around my waist, clinging to me like I was his last life line.

The storm seemed to be right over top of the city now. The windows were shaking with every rumble. The lights were flickering more steadily till it stopped and we were left in darkness. Barry stiffened against me, lightning flashed and he flinched. "Shh… It's ok Barry. I'm right here." I whispered to him, softly rubbing his back, "Let's move to the sofa, yeah?" waiting for his reply before shuffling towards it together, never once losing any body contact. Upon sitting down Barry shifted away from me, "Do you have any candles?" I asked hoping to distract him. "In the k-kitchen… Th-third drawer d-down on the left." he whispered hoarsely.

Aided by the flashing in the night's sky and my phone's flashlight, I managed to find the candles and some matches. After carefully placing them on the coffee table in front of the sofa, I lit them, and the room immediately filled with the soft warm glow of the four candles. I looked at Barry then, he had moved himself into the far corner of the seat, as far has he could go, without just ripping a hole into it's back in order to fall behind it. He was shutting me out again. "Talk to me Barry, please!"

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So the enter the normal disclaimer here of not owning anything and all rights go to the correct people... BLAH BLAH BLAH...

ANYWHOO! I thought was going to be a 2 chapter thing... but NOPE!

So... Again please feel free to comment and stuff, if you see anything thing grammer or whatever that I need to fix please feel free to tell me that also. I do my best, but I can only look at something for so long before I stop seeing the stuff that needs fixed when rereading stuff.

Hope ya'll enjoy.

~Randi~


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